The Messy Truth
I’ve written this four times.
Each time, though, it seems too neat, too tidy, too finite, like wearing a power suit to brunch at the coffee shop with your best friend when you should be unshowered in joggers and a hoodie with your hair up in a messy bun.
I start to write, get a page or two in and find myself staring at the words and wondering if I really believe them or fearing if I hit publish, what then? How will I be attacked? What will the fallout be? How will I lose? Because, spiritual warfare is real, and Satan is real, and I know Satan doesn’t want me to love my enemies. He doesn’t want you to love your enemies. He wants us all to wallow around in our hate and anger until it festers into something uncontrollable.
But I don’t want that.
I don’t want the hate.
I don’t want the anger.
I don’t want the spitefulness or the cynicism or the doubt.
I just want peace.
I want the peace of knowing I did the right thing.
I want the peace of knowing when I lay my head down on my pillow tonight that I was kind and compassionate and gentle despite the situation or the circumstances.
Because I believe that’s what Jesus is calling me, is calling us to be.
The Neat, the Tidy, and the Finite
Nothing about this is neat or tidy or finite. It’s messy and uncomfortable and hard. It takes effort and patience and self-control. And, just when you think you have it all figured out, the bottom will fall out, and you’ll find yourself having to start all over again--having to pick yourself back up out of the pit, dust yourself off, forgive for the millionth time, and practice this messy thing called love again.
I knew I wanted, or maybe needed, to attempt to write this again today. I’ve been trying and failing for weeks now. I put Here Again on repeat and prayed the lyrics during my drive. Cliche? Maybe. But, sometimes even I’m okay with cliches. Today is one of those days because the reality is that I’m not enough, my writing isn’t enough, my thoughts aren’t enough, no part of me is enough unless God comes, unless He is in it. So, today, my prayer is that God will, in fact, meet me here in the middle and fill in all the gaps of my weakness--my need for neatness, for the tidy, and for perfection.
The Three-Step Process...Or Not
There’s no three step process for loving your enemies, no checklist, no quick fix. I know, I know. That’s not what any of us wants to hear or believe. If like me, you cut your teeth on the back of pews and know all the Christian cliches out there and can cherry pick and quote bible verses with the best of them, you might be mentally flipping through them right now in an effort to prove me wrong. If that’s who you are or what you’re doing right now, stop and breathe with me.
God is still God, and He is good.
He’s still working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. He still holds your right hand and stores every one of your tears.
He still knew you when you were in your mother’s womb.
He still has a plan to prosper you.
But he didn’t say it was going to be easy.
And, loving your enemies is not easy.
Jesus and Judas
My mind keeps going to that scene of Jesus at the last supper with his disciples. You know the night. Jesus had just shared a meal with his disciples, with his closest friends. He knew how the night would end, but his friends were still clueless. He knew Judas would betray him and Peter would deny him.
He knew.
And, yet, he still broke bread with them. I wonder what the conversation was like, how the mood changed when Jesus announced that one of them would betray him and that Peter would deny him. I wonder what it was like when, later in the meal, Jesus took the bread and broke it and took the juice and announced it represented his blood, which has been poured out for the forgiveness of our sins--for Judas’s sin, for Peter’s sin, for your sins, for my sins, for your enemies’ sins, for my enemies’ sins.
A little overwhelming, isn’t it?
Sometimes, I think the fact that we know the end of the story affects how we read the story. We know Judas betrayed Jesus, but we forget Judas was one of the twelve. We forget the amount of time Judas spent with Jesus. We forget they were friends.
We forget.
Just like we forget that most of our enemies were once our friends, likely some of our closest friends. If you’re like me, you read this story and you think there is no possible way you can ever treat your enemies like Jesus treated Judas that night.
But, what if we could?
Everything to do with Me
Loving my enemies has nothing to do with them, but it has everything to do with me. Did you get that because that one has taken me some time. It has nothing to do with them. I have no control over them. I can’t choose what they do. I can’t control what they think. I can’t control what they feel. And, most importantly, I can’t control what they do to me. What I can control is how I respond to them and the power I give them over me. What I can control are the prayers I offer on their behalf. What I can control is my treatment of them.
Being angry is exhausting.
Hating is exhausting.
Managing toxic relationships is exhausting.
Loving my enemies is friggin’ exhausting.
But it’s possible.
It’s possible when I stop and remember that I choose how much power I give other people over me. It’s possible when I stop and remember that when I stand before God, I will only be answering for myself and not for them. It’s possible when I choose peace and kindness and compassion and gentleness.
What Not to Do:
Don’t get me wrong. I will never claim this is easy. In fact, If I’m being incredibly honest, I would be forced to admit to you that a year ago, I copied Psalm 109 into my prayer journal, inserted the names of my own enemies, and prayed that prayer every day for many months. If you aren’t familiar with psalm 109, let me introduce you:
God, It’s Time for Vengeance
To the Pure and Shining One
A poetic song by King David
God of all my praise, don’t stand silently by, aloof to my pain,
while the wicked slander me with their lies.
Even right in front of my face they lie through their teeth.
I’ve done nothing to them, but they still surround me
with their venomous words of hatred and vitriol.
Though I love them, they stand accusing me like Satan
for what I’ve never done.
I will pray until I become prayer itself.
They continually repay me with evil when I show them good.
They give me hatred when I show them love.
Show him how it feels! Let accusing liars be raised up against him,
like Satan himself standing right next to him.
And let him be declared guilty by a wicked judge.
May even his prayers be seen as sinful!
Shorten his life and let another replace him!
Make his wife a widow and his children orphans!
Let them wander as beggars in the street,
like homeless vagabonds, evicted from their ruins!
Let the creditors seize his entire estate,
and strangers, like vultures, take all that’s left!
Let no one be kind to him by showing pity to his fatherless children!
May all his posterity die with him! Cut down his family tree!
And may all the sins of his ancestors be recorded,
remembered before you, forever!
Cut off even the memory of his family from the face of the earth
because he never once showed love or kindness to others,
but persecuted the poor, the brokenhearted, and afflicted ones,
even putting them to death!
Since he enjoyed cursing them,
may all his curses now come raining back on him
until it all overwhelms him with misfortune!
Since he refused to bless others,
God, withhold every single blessing from him!
Bitterness, such vile vindictiveness, was upon everything he did.
Cursing was his lifestyle.
So smother him now with his own curses as his just reward.
This will be the Lord’s punishment upon him and
all my lying accusers who speak evil against me.
But now, O Yahweh-God, make yourself real to me
like you promised me you would.[b]
Because of your constant love and your heart-melting kindness, come be my hero and deliver me!
I’m so broken, needy and hurting.
My heart is pierced through and I’m so wounded.
I’m slipping down a dark slope, shaken to the core, and helpless.
All my fasting has left me so weak I can hardly stand.
Now I’m shriveled up, nothing but skin and bones.
I’m the example of failure and shame to all who see me.
They just walk by me, shaking their heads.
You have to help me, O Lord God!
My true hero, come to my rescue and save me,
for you are loving and kind.
Then everyone will know that you have won my victory,
and they will all say to the Lord, “You have finished it!”
So let them curse me if they want,
but I know you will bless me!
All their efforts to destroy me will fail,
but I will succeed and be glad.
So let my Satan-like accusers fail!
Make them look ridiculous if they try to come against me.
Clothe them with a robe of guilty shame from this day on!
But I will give my thanks to you over and over
and everyone will hear my lavish praises.
For you stand right next to the broken ones
as their saving hero to rescue them from all their accusers!
The Grace of God:
So, listen, not my finest moment, but I did take out the part about the families and children of my enemies, so I felt like that was kind of nice of me. Okay, yeah probably not. But, here’s my point:
Loving your enemies is not easy. In fact, it’s incredibly challenging not to pray psalm 109 over them daily and absolutely mean it. But, if we’re being 100% real here, there is no part of me that believes (now) that God wants us to do that. He wants us to pray over them, but not for their destruction or for his vengeance in their lives. He wants us to pray for them out of love for them, that God would soften their hearts, would bless them and their families, and that he would be glorified through them. And, you know what, when that is my prayer for my enemies, it makes it a little harder to hate them, to be angry at them, and to wish destruction on them. And, it becomes a whole lot easier for me to breathe when I’m around them, to sit at a table with them, and to show them kindness, gentleness, and compassion--even though the very human part of me doesn’t want to. The human part of me wants to stay angry, to continue to pray psalm 109 over them, and to rejoice at their destruction. Because they deserve it. Just like I deserve it. And, just like I’m sure you deserve it sometimes too. But, there’s this really cool thing called grace, and the older I get and the more life I live, the more I’ve come to accept that grace isn’t just a sign in my kitchen or a concept I hear about on Sunday mornings and in small groups. It’s not just a gift God offers us, but it’s a gift we are called to extend to others--even when they don’t deserve it. And, the human side of me won’t let me do that on my own. It takes the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Just like forgiveness is a task that is far too big for me and my humanity on my own, extending grace to those individuals who have hurt me, lied about me, and continue to attempt to persecute and destroy me is impossible without the guidance and indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Simply put, I can’t do it on my own. And neither can you.
But, by the grace of God, I can choose kindness.
By the grace of God, I can choose compassion.
By the grace of God, I can choose gentleness.
By the grace of God, I can choose love.
Even for my enemies.
And so can you.
Choose Kindness. Choose Grace. Choose Compassion. Choose Love
So, friends, today, if you are struggling to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, I pray that you will pull yourself out of the pit, wade through the painful work of forgiveness, and allow the Holy Spirit to give you the strength and grace you need to extend kindness, compassion, gentleness, and even love. We might not be to the place where, like Jesus, we can sit at dinner with our enemies and break bread with them, but we can make a conscious effort to radiate kindness, gentleness, compassion, and even love from across the room, through the phone screen, or even in the courtroom.
Good luck, my friends. We’re all going to need it.
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