Bitter or Better?

Orange is, in Fact, NOT the New Black
I walked into a birthday party a few days after getting out of prison, only to be met with shock--not because I was there, but because I was there and looked like a normal human being.  These were people I have known my whole life, and the consistent theme of the night was, “you look so good.” To be completely honest with you, I didn’t really think that much of it during the evening.  No, it wasn’t until I walked into church the next morning and again was met with the same looks of shock and the same comments of, “wow, you look so good.” Now, by this point, I have to admit, I started to get a bit of a complex.  I was definitely wondering how terrible I must have looked before I went to prison for everyone to be so amazed at the fact that I am tan, healthy, and rested!  

And then it hit me.

People were amazed at how I looked because, in reality, we have no idea what prison is actually like!  We know what tv and the media tell us prison is like, but, like so many other things, the picture the media presents can be slightly biased and skewed at times.  

So, please, allow me to set the record straight: Prison is nothing like what you see on television.

In fact, I want you to forget everything you’ve ever seen, heard, or read about prison before you read on!

The campus I was at was nothing like what you see on tv.  I was in the most minimum security female facility that exists.  In fact, it isn’t even called a prison or a reformatory; it’s called a “reintegration center.”  There was a fence, but I’m not entirely convinced it wasn’t to keep people out more than it was to keep people in!  There were COs, and, no, they didn’t carry guns. There was a “yard,” but it resembled what you would find on a college campus more than what you see of “yards” on prison shows.  

There was no orange

There were no cells.

There were no bars.

I lived in a cubicle of 8 ladies, 4 in each dorm room.  We shared a foyer, a bathroom, and a shower, had doors that shut, and light switches we controlled. We all had our own fans, tvs, hairdryers, straighteners, and makeup, and we wore khaki pants and green polo shirts to work and programs and our own shorts, sweats, tshirts, etc the rest of the time.  And, we could come and go from our dorm as we pleased as long as it wasn’t during a count time or after 8:45 at night.

Our dorms had microwaves, pool tables, flat screen tvs, WIIs, and lots of tables to cook and eat on.  The regular COs in our dorms knew us by name, asked about our days and our lives, and genuinely cared about us as human beings.  We shopped once a week, cooked daily, and created some delicious meals in a microwave!

I spent my days tutoring in the morning, eating lunch, walking at least 8 miles during my free time, attending classes and programs, attending bible studies, ministering on the worship team, going to the library, working out, going to church, going to CODA meetings, and having coffee with my friends.  

That’s what prison was in a nutshell.

And now that we are all on the same page, let me talk to you about my 8 months in prison.  

The reality is: just like anything else, you can either allow prison to make you bitter or make you better.

I chose to allow it to make me better.

“This is an Opportunity, not a Punishment”

When I first walked in the doors of the Admissions building of the prison, I was smacked in the face with a sign that informed me of the fact that “this is an opportunity, not a punishment.”  I disagreed. Wholeheartedly. I saw no way that prison time could possibly an opportunity and not a punishment, and it took me a good two weeks before my perspective changed at all. I think I spent the first two weeks completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted by the fact that I was actually in prison.  And, those first two church services I went to both had the same messages: 

God has put you here for a reason. 

God saw fit to sit you down for a reason. 

This is an opportunity, not a punishment.  

And, finally, after that second week, I accepted that God had, in fact, put me there for a reason, that God had sat me down for a reason, and that it was time for me to focus on the opportunity before me instead of the punishment.

That moment in that church service changed my entire perspective on my prison experience.  I chose to use the time as an opportunity for growth, healing, and service because time was something I finally had.  Hear me when I say this: I am not advocating for prison or glorifying prison or lessening what prison is; I am simply saying that prison, like anything else, is what you make of it, and I chose to take advantage of the time God had given me to sit down and be still.  

I spent these first two weeks being pretty quiet, even though most other people were not!  However, I started to see how God was working in spite of where I was. I found myself surrounded by people who were desperate to know God and his love.  And, I found myself feeling unworthy and unprepared to be Jesus to anyone. Everyone knew I was a teacher, so they asked me questions about anything and everything they needed to know, but they also saw me reading my bible, so I started to find myself facing multitudes of questions about Jesus, spirituality, and religion.  And, the sad reality was that it had been so long since I actually picked up my bible and read through it that I was struggling to even direct people to the answers to their questions. So, my first opportunity: read my bible. And I did. I read the New Testament twice in the 42 days I was in Admissions. As cliche as it sounds, I found myself reading my bible with clearer eyes and with a much more perceptive heart and mind.  I took copious amount of notes in my free Gideon bible as I studied for hours a day.  

And, for the first time in my life, I got it.  I understood God and Jesus in ways I had never understood before, and I started to see how God truly was working this time out as an opportunity, even though I still thought there was another way God could have maybe chosen to get through to me! 

And, then, God started placing people in my path and conversations at my table and opening up crazy opportunities for me to be Jesus in all of these random situations.  To be honest with you, it kind of annoyed me at first. It annoyed me because I felt like it was so cliche, and I didn’t want to be that prison cliche. It annoyed me because I saw God working, but I didn’t want to accept that He had a purpose and plan for sitting me down in this prison.  Because the reality is, if I accepted that God had a purpose and plan for this, I would have to accept that this was God’s will for my life, and I just wasn’t to a place where I could accept that as a possibility.  

Better, NOT bitter
Don’t get me wrong; it would have been incredibly easy to wallow around in my self-pity for eight months, to sit on my bunk and sleep and eat my time away.  I saw plenty of people do that. But, that’s not why God sat me down. God sat me down to protect me from a toxic relationship I couldn’t escape. He sat me down to remind who He is and who I am.  He sat me down to take the dust of who I once was and use it to form me into something new and better and beautiful. 

I am so very thankful for the wonderful women I met behind the fence who showed me you can truly be content, have joy, and wholeheartedly love Jesus even if you are serving a life sentence.  

I am so very thankful for the volunteers who came through those gates week after week to sit, talk, teach, study, and truly be Jesus with skin on to some incredibly broken women.

I am so very thankful for the opportunities I had to teach and be Jesus, even when I felt so unworthy

I am so very thankful for the opportunities to lead worship and minister to one of the most spirit-filled congregations I have ever had the privilege of being a part of.

I am so very thankful for the programs and the classes that asked the hard questions and dealt with the hard issues.  

I am so very thankful that God saw fit to work in me and through me in the most unlikely of places and in spite of me.

I am so very thankful that God is a God of restoration and redemption, and that He saw fit to restore and redeem me.

Prison was hard.  Having to sit in a visitation hall in order to spend time with my family and friends was hard.  Being separated from my daughter for 8 months was excruciating.  

But, I can honestly say that I like the me that walked out of those gates a whole lot better than the me that walked in.  I can honestly say that the me you see today is better than the me you saw and knew before prison.  

Light Shine Bright

Proverbs 4: 18-19 says:

The ways of right-living people glow with light;

    the longer they live, the brighter they shine.

But the road of wrongdoing gets darker and darker—

    travelers can’t see a thing; they fall flat on their faces. (The Message)

And, my goodness, how very true that scripture is.  The ways of right living people most definitely glow with light, and the longer they live, the brighter they absolutely shine.  I can’t help but think a good part of why people are shocked with how I look after prison is because there is a gigantic weight I am no longer carrying, because during the last eight months, in making me better, God has allowed my light to not merely glow, but to shine brightly.  

And, I think this is true for all of us as Christ-followers.  When we are living right, our light shines and we do physically appear healthier and lighter, but when we are buried in the darkness of sin, our bodies and our appearance show that as well.  So, maybe it’s just because I chose to allow prison to make me better, or maybe it’s because my light is shining brighter, or maybe it’s a combination of both of those things! Regardless, I am grateful to be home, healthy, better, and shining just a little more brightly.

I don’t know where you are on this journey we call life, whether you are stuck in a prison of your own making, wandering around in the darkness, or living in the freedom and light that comes with allowing God to make you better, but I pray that you find encouragement in knowing that you can choose better.  No matter where you are or what you have done, our God is a God of redemption and restoration, and He is waiting to heal you, to make you better, and to prepare you to shine brightly for Him.