The Truth About 2019

Dear Friends, Family, Acquaintances, Enemies, Gossips, and the Like--

I’ve been thinking about and reflecting on 2019 for several weeks now.  I’ve wanted to write a wrap-up of 2019, but I’ve been struggling with it because I couldn’t wrap it up with a neat bow like I wanted.  Then, I read Sarah Bessey’s Truth About 2019 and I got it.  She gave me the permission I needed to write honestly about 2019.  

So, here it is: My Truth About 2019.

2019 has come and gone, and, if you’re reading this, you made it.  I made it. You might have found my opening a little odd or maybe even a little offensive, but that’s okay, because what it actually is, is truth.  If you’re reading this letter, it’s because you fit into one of those categories. And, that’s okay. 15 months ago when I started practicing honesty and transparency and put myself out there for the public through my writing, I knew what I was getting into.  I know there are people who read my writing because they genuinely care, and I know there are people who read my writing to screenshot it and send it to their friends out of hate, animosity, and all other negative motives. And, that’s okay. So, today, if you’re reading this because you love me and you have traveled with me through 2019, thank you.  I appreciate you. I pray for you every day. And, if you are in one of those other categories, thank you. I pray for you every day as well.

The definition of a paradox is when something seems contradictory but ultimately contains truth.  2019 was a bit of a paradox for me because it was this combination of the best and worst year of my life.  I know. I know. Bare with me. There are some obvious reasons why it was the worst year of my life. I went to prison a year ago today, my daughter was kept away from me for 8 months, I was served divorce papers, I had to face some ugly truths about people I thought I knew, I was completely trashed in the media, I was lied about, I was lied about some more, I had to rely on the courts and the process to rectify what was being done to me, and my dad had multiple hospitalizations and surgeries--some while I was in prison and some when I got home.  

That was bad.

Definitely nothing I ever want to live through again.

But, I made it.

And, do you know what’s interesting?  You might be sitting there thinking that prison was the worst part of 2019, but it wasn’t.  Prison wasn’t something I would ever want to do again, but it was nothing compared to being separated from my family, specifically Kate--both while I was physically gone and while I was just across the street. Prison itself pales in comparison to that.

I think it’s pretty easy to see why 2019 was one of the worst years of my life, but you’re probably wondering how it is that 2019 was one of the best years of my life at the same time.  In order to understand how this could be, you have to understand what 2018 was for me. Hell. I think hell is an appropriate description for 2018. In 2018, I finally faced the demons of my toxic relationship, but instead of handling those demons with faith and grace, I took matters into my own hands.  I turned my back on everything I believed and preached and lived completely selfishly in the pit for several months. And, you can’t do that and expect to be victorious. Fortunately, my God reached down into that pit and picked me up, and I chose to get out of the pit. That is a pivotal part of my journey--the point where I chose to get out of the pit.  Listen, I was wrong to ever get in the pit to begin with, but the best decision I ever made was to allow God to pick me up and to crawl out of the pit of selfishness and sin.  

I got out of the pit.

I chose grace.

I chose mercy.

I chose victory.

And, my choice to get out of the pit is the sole reason I was able to face prison, divorce, and endless attacks with grace.  Don’t misunderstand me--I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, many mistakes, daily. But, I choose to live forgiven and in victory.  And, 2019 allowed me to to that. All of those things that made 2019 the worst year of my life allowed me to know and understand who God is, to fully rely on him for protection and provision, to re-prioritize my entire life, to understand what truly matters, to cultivate more empathy than I ever knew was possible, to introduce me to a world I never knew existed and never thought I would be a part of or have any impact on, and to live simply and victoriously in Christ daily.  

One of the most interesting statements I’ve heard this year was this: “There are a number of conversations I need to have with a lot of people who have walked away from me after knowing me for 20 years.  I didn’t change. They all changed.” First, that might possibly be the most narcissistic statement I have ever heard in my entire life, but second, really? I can’t even wrap my head around ever believing that, let alone saying that.  Listen, if you’ve walked away from me after all of this, that’s okay. I get it. I come with a lot of baggage! It takes a strong person to be friends with me and be with me! So, thank you to all of you who have stood with me and walked beside me!  And, if you’re one of those people, then you know if you walk through a journey like I’ve been on and don’t change, you’ve got some serious issues to deal with, so I hope you have a good therapist! Change is necessary through this process, and I’m so very grateful for the changes I’ve made and God’s made in me over the last two years.  When I look back on the person I was pre2018, I don’t even like that person. I don’t like her attitude. I don’t like her relationships and friendships. I don’t like her priorities. And, I don’t like her spirituality. She’s not a person I would even let into my circle now. Because I’m not the same person I was then. And, I think that might be hard for some people to accept.  And, that’s okay.  

When I think back on 2019, I can honestly say I am grateful for it.  2019 allowed me to be still, to hear God’s whisper again and again and again, to understand who God is and what He wants for my life, to be a better daughter, a better mother, a better friend, and a better person.  2019 taught me humility and grace and acceptance. And, 2019 taught me that I only need to be still for God to fight for me.  

I got a Christmas card from this beautiful family several weeks ago, and in it, they encouraged me to remember all the good I have done.  They offered their unconditional love and support to me and just wanted me to know they were thinking of me and hoped I was doing well. So, if you are one of those people who are genuinely wondering how I am and hope that I am doing well, please be encouraged and know that I am, in fact, doing well. Know that God is bigger than any of the giants that I have faced, and He is still bigger than any of the giants I am currently facing.  Know that I am consciously still, and God is fighting my battles for me. Know that I am living in victory despite my faults, failures, weaknesses, and shortcomings because I live for a God who is made perfect in my weakness. Know that I am imperfect and I still make mistakes, but I recognize them, own them, and do my best to make the necessary changes. Know that I am redeemed, restored, and that my God is the master of making beautiful masterpieces of the dust and ash of destruction. 

And, if you’re someone who just wants to know my story to gossip, lie, screenshot, judge, laugh, criticize, etc., that’s your choice.  I have no control over that, and, honestly, it’s okay too. If there is one thing I have learned this past year, it’s that you reap what you sow.  You might be rolling your eyes right now or getting ready to screenshot this and send it to someone else with some snarky or negative comment, and that’s okay.  Eventually, you will reap the ugly you sow. I have watched it happen in my own life, and I have watched it happen to a myriad of individuals over the course of the last year.  So, if you make ugly choices, expect ugly consequences. And, that won’t be on me. 

As 2019 and this piece comes to an end, let me leave you with one thing to hang on to in 2020: If it’s not your story to tell, don’t tell it.  If it is your story to tell, tell it. Tell it with strength, dignity, grace, and redemption. Own it--the good, the bad, the hills and the valleys.  Because it’s your truth to tell. Isn’t it time we start listening to each other and telling our truths and our stories with strength, dignity, humility, love, and grace? 

Praying your 2020 is just as meaningful as my 2019.  

Take a listen to this song from Phil Wickham, The Battle is Yours, and know that it is my anthem as I head into 2020.