Loving my Enemies: Forgiveness

The Struggle is Real

True forgiveness is one of the most difficult aspects of attempting to live like Jesus for me.  I’m really good at ignoring people, pretending like hurts don’t exist, and putting on an “I’m fine” face.  I’m really good at moving forward, doing what needs to be done, and making the most of really terrible situations.  

But, I’m really bad at wrestling with the hurt and pain others have caused me and forgiving them.  

It’s not even that I wallow around in the pit of self-pity or harbor unresolved anger.  No, instead, I just ignore the offenses and the effects they had on me and move on with my life.  And, I know what you’re probably thinking: that doesn’t sound that bad. It could be worse, right?  I’m sure it could be. The reality, though, is that Jesus commanded us to forgive one another, just as our father in heaven has forgiven us, and that means I can’t just go on with my life in a constant state of unresolved hurt and mistreatment.

And, it’s hard.  It’s hard because the reality is that there are some people who and some offenses which don’t deserve to be forgiven.  They aren’t asking to be forgiven. Maybe, they haven’t even acknowledged the wrongs they have committed. Maybe, they have acknowledged them but show no remorse for them.  And that is hard!

But, forgiveness offers this really interesting paradox.  See, both fortunately and unfortunately, there are no asterisks where forgiveness is concerned, though.  There are no “unless” clauses. There are no sins we commit or that are committed against us that are beyond the scope of forgiveness.  We don’t get to choose who we forgive, but we don’t get to choose who forgives us. They don’t have to be worthy of our forgiveness, but we don’t have to be worthy of their forgiveness.  And, it’s a good thing because, none of us are ever really truly worthy of forgiveness.  

That’s where Jesus comes in.

Airing my Grievances:

When I sat in the counselor’s office, and she told me I have to forgive my enemies, it rendered me speechless.  It gave me pause. My gut reaction was to immediately respond that I have forgiven him, but I couldn’t utter those words because I knew in my heart that wasn’t true.  What I appreciated the most about that conversation was that she looked me right in the eye, with tears in her own eyes, and explained to me that I couldn’t do this on my own.  My humanity would surely get in the way of forgiveness if I didn’t rely on the holy spirit to guide me through this process.  

And, she was right.

Because I didn’t want to forgive.  I wanted to live in that place of unforgiveness because I had been in and out of that place for 18 years and camped out there for the last two years.  I was comfortable there. I had made my home there. If I was truly going to listen to God and love my enemies, though, I had to forgive them. If I was ever going to be able to pray earnestly for those who persecute me, I was going to have to forgive them first.  If I ever wanted to truly move forward in my own life, health, and spirituality, I had to pack up my camper and move out of this destructive place where I had chosen to make my home.  

I sat down in my living room and started writing, just like the counselor told me to do.  I spent hours elaborating on the ways I had been hurt, abused, and mistreated over the years.   I prayed over each and every one of those hurts for forgiveness and healing, not just for me but for him as well.  I prayed that God would guide me in the process and allow me to truly forgive.

It was hard.

It was messy

Because he didn’t deserve my forgiveness, and I needed the Holy Spirit to trump my humanity and allow me to get beyond that to forgive him.

True Forgiveness

What I learned from this is that I am not quite to the “recorded in the annals of history” level of forgivers!  We have so many examples of forgiveness to aspire to. I think about Stephen when he was getting stoned. He was filled with the Holy Spirit during his stoning, and that allowed him to pray for God to forgive these men of this sin.  They were literally killing him, and his prayer was that God would forgive them. The Spirit guided him to pray for the men who weren’t just persecuting him, but murdering him. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the Holy Spirit giving you the ability to not only forgive the men who were murdering you but to ask God to forgive them as well

That’s forgiveness.

They weren’t worthy.  

They didn’t deserve it.

If Stephen can authentically pray that prayer about his murderers, we have to trust that the Holy Spirit can use that same power to give us the strength and healing to forgive our own enemies and those who persecute us.

Saul, who would become Paul, was there, standing guard over the cloaks of the men who were murdering Stephen.  He was there. He witnessed this, was a party to it, supported it. I wonder how often that image haunted Paul.  I wonder how many times he replayed that scene in his own mind. I wonder if he was ever able to forgive himself.  I wonder if that night he and Silas were beaten, jailed, and placed in the stocks he was thinking about that day when Stephen was murdered.  I wonder if that thought was there when they were freed and their jailer was about to kill himself. I wonder if that day impacted Paul’s ability to be Jesus to that jailer instead of just let him kill himself.  I wonder if Stephen’s forgiveness allowed Paul to forgive the jailer, his enemies, and all those people who persecuted him.

That’s forgiveness.

They weren’t worthy.

They didn’t deserve it.

But, Paul didn’t just forgive the jailer who placed him in shackles in the stocks, he went to his home, ministered to him and his family, and broke bread with them.  

That’s forgiveness.

But, that’s even more than forgiveness. 

It’s loving your enemies.

It’s praying for those people who persecuted you. 

But, we'll get into that next time.

If we truly want to follow the commands to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, we have to forgive them first.  The reality is our humanity is going to get in the way of that forgiveness every single time, and we have to rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead us through that process, to allow us to truly acknowledge the hurts and pains our enemies and persecutors have caused us and to forgive them.  While the process might look different for each of us, I would strongly encourage you to take the time to sit down with a pen and paper and write out your hurts, to give voice to the forgiveness you need to offer, and to pray over the hurts, the pain, and the forgiveness.  

And, then, burn the paper.

Allow the flames to signify the end of the hold these hurts have on you.

Find freedom through the forgiveness you are offering.

Even though they aren’t worthy.

Even though they don’t deserve it.

We will never be able to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us if we are holding onto the pain and the hurt that accompany unforgiveness.  We can be gentle, kind, and maybe even compassionate, but we will never authentically be able to love them like Jesus commands us to love them. It’s going to be messy.  It’s going to take time. But, it’s going to be worth it.  

Until next time, friends...