Unarmed and Unprepared:
I walked into the counseling office this week unarmed and unprepared for attack. It was my own fault, really. I’ve spent the week ticking off boxes on my own to-do list and working through my own junk with my own counseling and appointments that I honestly forgot to think about what I would be walking into at my daughter’s counseling appointment. But, I survived. See, sometimes I forget that not everyone I come into contact with on a daily basis has walked through the last 18 months with me. I forget that some of the people I come into contact with have done nothing but stood back and judged me quietly, while others have openly condemned me, and still others don’t know what to think, say, or do with me. I forget that my circle is small, and that those people in my circle are truly the only ones who know the intimate details of my journey. I forget the other people who cross paths with me on a daily basis probably wonder what I’ve been through, or if I’ve changed, or who I really am. And I forget that those people who silently and openly judge and condemn me will more than likely still do so even after understanding my journey. And, I’m strangely at peace with that.
Because healing allows for that.
I have spent the last 18 months healing. And, honestly, I’m not sure if I’m even done yet because I’m not sure you can ever really heal completely this side of heaven. But, 18 months ago, I started an incredibly necessary and important journey of healing, and I am at a point now where I feel like I need to share it because I know there are so, so many people in this broken world who need to set out on their journeys of healing.
Broken and Face Down on the Floor of the Arena:
I was sitting in the bathtub, a blubbering mess of tears and brokenness on the last day of April 2018. I talk often about being facedown on the floor of the arena broken into nothing more than dust, and this was that moment for me. I was in a place of complete and utter desolation. I wanted out of my marriage of 18 years. Weeks earlier, I had ended my whirlwind affair and asked my husband to move out and give me time and space to process. I was completely alone.
It was beautiful and necessary.
Sometimes, I think the thing that scares us the most is actually what we need to embrace if we ever want to heal and grow. For me that thing was being alone.
I wanted to cry out to God, but I felt so unworthy that I struggled to even utter the words that would begin that conversation. How could I pray for God to pull me out of the pit when my choices were the reason I was in the pit to begin with? How could I ask for help when I was the reason I needed help? Satan’s voice was loud in my head, but my Father’s voice was even stronger in my heart. I was crumbled, humbled and alone, and begged God for forgiveness and for help. I was at a loss. I didn’t even know what to do or where to start. I had no idea what God was telling me to do because I had been deaf to his leading for so long. God is faithful, though, despite my inadequacies. He spoke to my heart, and he told me to write, not to worry about anything else. Just spend 30 days basking in his grace and writing about it.
So I did.
And, that was the beginning of my healing.
This is Where the Healing Begins:
I spent those first 30 days being still, and listening, and writing. I didn’t try to conquer anything else. I just sat in God’s presence for those 30 days and started getting to know my Father again. At the end of those 30 days, I didn’t have any answers, but I had more peace than I had in years.
June of 2018 was a challenge. After several spontaneous decisions, I knew I had to leave. When God told me to go, I went. My parents have a home in Florida, and my daughter and I had spent the summer there in the past. So, we did that again. My parents held space for me as I continued to rebuild my relationship with God and continued to sit still and listen for his voice. It was hard. I was in a marriage I didn’t want to be in. I had compromised my entire being and had an affair. Not only had I had an affair, but I had an affair with an 18 year old who was a student where I taught. My life was a trainwreck. I was a trainwreck. But, God gifted me with exactly what I needed to continue the healing process: time. He gave me the time I needed to sit in his presence. He gave me the time I needed to bring me to a place of repentance, forgiveness, and healing.
I spent that time loving on and living life with my family, but I also spent that time with God. I read, I wrote, I studied, I prayed, I cried, I cried out, and I healed. I remember the morning that I woke up and realized I was healthy again. It was a beautiful morning, and I was heading out as the sun came up to get a run in. God spoke right to my heart and said, “do you see what I did here?” I stopped. And, I listened, and, again, God said to me, “do you see what I did here?” I did. I absolutely saw what God did. He made me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy again. Interestingly, I still had no answers as to what I was going to do when I returned home, but I knew I was going to be okay. After that morning, God kept whispering to my heart to wait. He kept telling me not to do anything, but just to wait. I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t want to do it, but God kept whispering it loudly to me. So, that’s what I tried to do.
By the time I got home in the middle of August, I was no longer dust. God had taken the dust, and he had begun the process of creating something completely new. But, that was just the beginning of the process. I was nothing more than clay at that point. Within days of returning home, my pastors sat in my living room and talked and listened. I have never felt such grace as I felt that day as I talked through my failures and faults as well as my brokenness, repentance, and redemption. Little did I know that just a few short weeks later, my world would come crashing apart again, and these pastors would again sit with me and show me unconditional love and grace.
Confession: An Important Part of the Healing Process:
It’s interesting for me to think back on this time. I remember pulling into the sheriff’s office and praying that God would guide my words and lead the conversation. Much to my attorney’s dismay, I confessed everything I had done. I told it all, didn’t leave out a detail. There was no speculation, no question of what happened, no missing details because I told it all. I told the truth. I’ve never been a good liar, so I probably couldn’t have lied even if I had wanted to. After all, my husband caught me in my affair within a week of it starting because I’m a really terrible liar! And, honestly, at that point, I didn’t even see the point of trying to lie. I had carried the weight of my sin for long enough; it was time for me to truly lay it down and give it to God. And pay the consequences. That’s what I did that afternoon. After all of this, I would do the same thing again if I had it to do all over. I would walk in the sheriff’s office and confess because that was the beginning of the next part of my healing.
There is something paradoxically freeing about having your biggest mistake plastered all over the newspapers and social media. It didn’t necessarily feel like it at the time, but I definitely feel that now. That moment where my sin was broadcast to the world was the moment where I quit believing that I had to present a perfect image of myself to the world. And, that was healing as well. My image has been tarnished, but it has given me permission to be real and honest and authentic and vulnerable. I don’t think I would have ever had that freedom or been able to be this authentic if this hadn’t happened to me. Even though it was awful, and I had to learn to deal with the shame, I am grateful for the growth and healing that came from that terrible experience. I don’t know if I would have ever been able to be this real and raw if it wasn’t for that.
Blessed Subtractions:
The next few months presented one challenge after another, and, honestly, most of those challenges were not due to my impending incarceration. But, through those challenges, God continued to work in and on my life in extraordinary ways. I lost people, several people who were incredibly close to me. But, God provided in bigger ways than I could have ever imagined. I lost people who were supposed to love Jesus, but who had no problem saying they didn’t know how anyone could be friends with me after what I had done. I lost people who somehow managed to turn my choices and my tragedy into their own. But, that’s okay. Sometimes, I think we have to lose certain people to make room for others. And, God gave me others who have become the most amazing, authentic, vulnerable friends I could have ever asked for. And, through this, God has restored several friendships I thought would be broken forever. And, for that, I am eternally grateful.
During these three months preceding my incarceration, I read, studied, wrote, prayed, and listened, despite the chaos happening around me. I know God allowed me to heal over those summer months so that I would be healthy enough and strong enough to handle what was ahead of me. During the three months before I went to prison, God continued the healing and creation process. The dust was gone and the clay was beginning to be formed. I just couldn’t see exactly what it was that God was creating with it.
Opportunity:
I don’t know that anyone is ever really prepared for prison. I had no idea what I was facing, what prison was going to be like. I knew that God had guided me on my journey up until that point, and I really did have faith that God would get me through, even though I had no idea what that would look like. The first few weeks in prison were incredibly difficult. I didn’t even know what to think or what to do. I stared at this stupid sign everyday that told me prison was an opportunity and not a punishment, and I rolled my eyes every time I saw it. But, about week two, my attitude shifted. After hearing this same message repeatedly and seeing it multiple times a day, God softened my heart and allowed me to see the opportunity before me. He had taken me out of my life and sat me down. He had given me months to study, to be still, and to hear his voice. He had removed me from the toxic relationship that was killing me. He was protecting me and providing for me. And, I embraced it. I know it sounds crazy, but I absolutely embraced it. I started reading the bible with fresh eyes. I took notes all over my free Gideon bible, and I had people all around the dorm I was in sitting down with me and asking me to teach them about God and the bible. It was crazy. As quickly as I could study and refresh my knowledge of God and the Bible, God was opening up doors for me to share it with others.
The six months that I was in Reintegration reminded me of adult church camp. For real. God consistently placed me with people who lifted me up and loved him. He consistently showed me opportunities for growth and understanding that were bigger than I would have ever thought possible in the real world, let alone a prison. He reminded me who I am and who he is. He showed me what grace and mercy look like in the real world. And he reminded that he loves to use broken people to do utterly miraculous things. He used me to illustrate what happens when brokenness becomes whole again, when healing happens this side of heaven.
And he gave me a glimpse of what that clay is becoming.
Steps for Healing:
If you find yourself in a place where you are broken down and desperate for healing, I hope you can learn from my experiences and take some of the following steps:
- Accept responsibility for your mistakes. I didn’t just kind of make a mistake. I made a “that’s a felony; you’re going to prison” mistake, but I owned it and accepted responsibility for it. That was the first step toward healing for me. I had to admit my mistake before I could ever heal and grow from it. Proverbs 28: 13-14 tells us: “If you cover up your sin you’ll never do well. But if you confess your sins and forsake them, you will be kissed by mercy. Overjoyed is the one who with tender heart trembles before God, but the stubborn, unyielding heart will experience even greater evil.” We can’t be kissed by mercy if don’t admit our mistakes. If our hearts stay stubborn, hardened, and unyielding, we’ll only find ourselves in even greater evil. There is no room for healing there.
- Take the time to be alone and sit with God. I couldn’t hear God’s voice until I took myself out of the chaos and sat still with him. Frequently, God tells me to shut up and listen, and I don’t take that lightly! Elijah had to go through fire and an earthquake before he finally heard the voice of God in a whisper (I Kings 19:12)
- If God tells you to go, go. Or, do whatever else it is God is telling you to do! God has told me to do (or not to do) so many things in the last 18 months, and it never ends well when I don’t listen.
- Don’t stay face down on the floor of the arena; allow God to pick you back up. It would have been really easy for me to stay face down on the floor of the arena. In fact, I think there are plenty of people out there who would rather I be face down on the floor of the arena, but God didn’t tell me to carry my own burden or to live in defeat. He told me to lay down my burdens and to know that his perfect love drives out fear. (I Peter 5:6-7 and I John 4:18)
- Accept that you can’t heal yourself. You can put your pieces back together and make it look like you’re okay, or fine, but only God can truly take your broken pieces and make them something incredibly beautiful. And, for that to open, you have to be open to him and willing to put the time into studying, praying, and marinating in his presence (Romans 9: 19-24). Be open to the people God removes from your life and the people he places in your life. If you ask for support, God will provide it in so many different ways.
- Be prepared for people to judge you and condemn you regardless of where you are on your journey. I have literally been attacked since the minute I stepped into the courthouse. I have been judged, ridiculed, accused of ridiculous things, lied about, beaten down, called names, harassed, and attacked. But, it’s okay. Because my God is bigger than all of this combined, and I know that this fight is not against flesh and blood, but the powers of darkness. And, you should know that too. Satan does not want you to heal. Satan does not want you in a position to bring glory to God. So, he is going to attack you at every single opportunity he can, and he’ll use anyone he can to do that. And, his weapon of choice is often other hurt and broken people. As you heal and you rise up out of the arena, know that Satan is going to attack you with absolutely everything he has. But, you will make it if you choose to let God guide you and ask him every day for wisdom. (Ephesians 6:12)
- Don’t lie about who you are or where you are. Be honest. Be authentic. Be vulnerable.(Colossians 3:9)
- Your story is never over. I know it might feel like what you are facing is the end. But, it isn’t the end of your story. It might be the end of a chapter, but it isn’t the end of your story. You are never too far gone for God, never. One of Satan’s biggest and best lies is the one where he makes us believe we are unworthy and we can’t cry out to God. We’re not told we can only cast our cares on Christ when we’ve done everything right. We’re not told to come to Christ when we’re weary--but only if we’ve been doing everything right. No, God is always there for us--during the good times and the bad times. Have faith in the healing and the process. God never grows tired of using broken people. (Hebrews 11)
I have vowed to write off labels in my life, but there is still one I’m not willing to rip off just yet: I’m a prodigal child. I was part of the family, but I wandered off and chose selfish living for a bit. Thankfully, my Father chased me down and brought me home where he saw fit to allow me to go on this journey of healing. I’m not perfect, but I’m better today than I was yesterday, but it has been a process, a long process. And, I know God is not done with me yet. And, I know God is calling me to be a light to all of you other prodigal children. So, if you see me around and you wonder what is going on with me, know that I am a work in progress, that I am grateful for the healing that God has given me, that I’m not face down on the floor of the arena, and that I am waiting to see the beautiful creation God is making me to be.
Until next time, my friends...
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