The Truth Will Set You Free

If I Learned One Thing in Prison: Lessons from Behind the Fence:

Lesson 1: The Truth will set you Free

I spent the last 8 months in prison.

Literally.

I spent the last 20 years in prison.

Figuratively.

And you know what?  The figurative prison was much more difficult than the literal prison.  

For real.

The Truth will Set You Free...Except when it Lands you Behind Bars

I spent my 20s and 30s living what appeared to be the perfect and somewhat charmed life to the outside world.  I smiled when I was supposed to smile. I cried on cue when I was supposed to cry. And, like so many strong and good Christian women, I sacrificed everything that made me for the sake of everything everyone else needed.  

And it ultimately destroyed me.

It broke me into a million little pieces.

And then the pieces shattered into dust.  

I got married at 20, graduated college at 22, got a teaching job immediately, and started teaching High School English.  I coached, led, taught, supervised, facilitated, advised; I did it all. I didn’t have the ability to say “no.” The word was literally not in my vocabulary.  Consequently, I lost me. I became defined by my roles alone.

Leader.

Coach.

Wife.

Mother.

Inspiration.

Teacher.

Listener.

Counselor.

Creator.

Advisor.

Supporter.

And eventually:

Cheater.

Liar.

Felon.

Inmate.

In February of 2018,  I began having an affair with an 18 year old.  I was a teacher. He was a student. And, that is illegal.  Which I should have known. And despite all of God’s warning signs, despite every caution God gave me, I took the route of the prodigal child, gathered my inheritance, and chose to be selfish for once in my life.  

In September of 2018, I was interviewed by two detectives who did everything detectives do: they lied to me, manipulated me, and reassured me that I would be walking out of the station.  

I told the truth.

Because I seriously can’t lie.

And 10 days later I was indicted.

And 3 months later, I was sentenced to 2 years in prison.

Opportunities vs. Punishments

When I first walked into the Ohio Reformatory for Women, I was immediately met with a sign that read: “Good People Make Bad Choices Everyday.”  I managed to contain the eye roll that was my gut reaction. Soon, though, I came to realize that was true as I met Tiffany, Jen, Amanda, and Michelle--all amazing women who made one poor decision to get behind the wheel of cars after having a drink.  

And the results for each of them were deadly.

Good people make bad choices every day.

Then, I walked a little further down the hall and read a sign reassuring me that this prison time was an opportunity and not a punishment.  Truth be told: I didn’t contain the eye roll that time. I hated that sign for the first two weeks I sat in Admissions at ORW. I was ashamed, depressed, lost, and alone; opportunity was not in my vocabulary.

It took God two full weeks to get my attention, to allow me to realize my time in prison truly was going to be an opportunity if I would let it, if I would sit down, shut up, be still, listen, and get honest with myself.

And that is precisely what I did.

I sat down, shut up, opened my bible and my heart, and I let God speak to me.  

And the truth truly did set me free.

The Truth Shall Set you Free

I had confessed, repented, and begun the healing process long before I went to prison, but it wasn’t until I was separated from the world and its distractions that I was truly able to hear God’s voice and gain freedom.

Despite the fact that I was behind the fence.

You see, for so many years, I allowed the labels that people ascribed to me to stick to me.  Some of them were good: inspiration, role model, mom, intellect, imaginative, original, talented, supporter, listener, advisor, etc  But, some of them weren’t: fat, skinny, opinionated, failure, unworthy, emotional, weak, etc. Eventually, I was so covered in all of these labels that you could no longer even see me behind them.  In fact, I was so lost behind these labels, I couldn’t even see me behind them.

Have you been there?

Have you been defined by the labels people have plastered over top of who you truly are?

Can you even recognize yourself behind the labels any more?

You know what happened behind the fence?

I began to peel away all the labels.

And all that was left was the dust, the ashes of who I once was.

And that might seem like a bad thing, but God assured me it wasn’t. 

You see, I was reminded with this beautiful truth from Isaiah 61: 3-7

[ Announce Freedom to All Captives ] The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness” planted by God to display his glory. They’ll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. They’ll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new. You’ll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields, But you’ll have the title “Priests of God,” honored as ministers of our God. You’ll feast on the bounty of nations, you’ll bask in their glory. Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.

I was reminded of the nature of the God I serve, the nature of the God who loves me, who wants to comfort me when I mourn, to give me roses instead of my ashes, joy instead of my doom, a praising heart instead of a depressed spirit.  

A God who rebuilds ruins and make them new.  

A God who wants to double inheritance.  

A God who offers freedom to all the captives.

And for the first time in my entire life, I understood the truth of my identity, my worth, and the good God has planned for my future.  

For the first time, those promises were real to me.

For the first time in my life, I truly understood the middle of the parable of the Prodigal because I was the child returning home to a father who was running out to meet her, offer her everything she had lost, and throw a massive party for her.  

Despite the fact that I was behind the fence, I finally understood the freedom that comes from the truth of who God is, what he wants for me and my life, and who he has created me to be.

Claiming your Freedom

I don’t know where you are today, friend.  Maybe you are desperately struggling to maintain your identity in spite of the labels.  Maybe you are so covered by the labels you can’t even recognize yourself anymore. Maybe you are in the painful process of peeling off the labels.  Maybe you are in the process of breaking into pieces. Maybe you are dust.  

Wherever you are on your journey,  it is my prayer that you claim the truths of Isaiah 61 and allow God to create something beautiful out of your ashes, to restore and rebuild the ruins, and to offer you double your inheritance.

Because you are worth it.

And your father is standing in the road desperately looking for a glimpse of you returning home.