Monday Morning Confessional:
I have a confession:
Sometimes I go to random churches by myself to worship anonymously.
Hear me out here: I love my church (and, no, I don’t have that tshirt). My church is amazing. I’m not sure where else you could go and find such a grace-filled group of broken misfits who are allowing God to work through them in absolutely incredible ways.
But sometimes, sometimes I just need to be in a place where I can worship alone and anonymously, where no one knows me, where no one is looking at me, and where I can just blend in.
If you’ve ever worked or served front and center in a church, I think you know what I mean.
Grandma’s Wisdom:
I was fortunate enough to grow up right up the road from my grandparents. During the summer, my brother and I would ride our bikes down the road and sit on their porch with them, drinking coke out of glass bottles (no, I’m not throwing him under the bus today. You’re welcome, Jeremy). We spent our holidays there, mornings before school there, and sick days there. My grandparents’ home was like a second home for us.
I remember it well. It was a morning before school. I was sitting in their TV room bingeing on cartoons before Netflix was a thing, and my grandma walked in. She stood beside the giant brown humidifier that took up half the wall in the room and started to talk to me about how God gives each of us gifts. Now, I was in fourth grade. It was early in the morning, and I had no idea where this lecture was coming from. And, honestly, I still have no idea what the catalyst was for this conversation.
She looked at me and scared the crap out of me! She spent several minutes telling me that God has gifted me with the gift of music, and if I don’t use it, He’ll take it away. If you’ve been on this journey with me, then you know about my church background. So, you can imagine how well this sat with me as a poor little innocent 4th grader! Again, I was scarred! (Clearly 4th and 5th grade were rough times in my life!)
These were all of the questions I’m sure were flooding my mind in the midst of this conversation, questions I probably should have asked, but, instead, I just sat there, speechless.
What do you mean God will take my gift away if I don’t use it?
What kind of a God would do that?
Why would he do that?
How am I supposed to use my gift right now?
What is going on?
AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Just Say No
I’ve already explained that I spent 39 years lacking the ability to utter the word “no,” and, honestly, I think this might actually be part of the reason. I was so affected by these words of my grandma that I really did spend years fearing that if I didn’t use my gifts, God would take them away. Any time I was asked to do something, whether it was with music or some other strength, those words would come to mind.
Now, don’t get me wrong here, folks, I love to sing. I love to serve. I love to worship. I love to lead worship. And, that love doesn’t come from the fear that God will take my gift away if I don’t do it. It comes from a genuine place in my soul that whispers to me that music, in fact, is my gift from God and it is how He wants me to serve. I believe that wholeheartedly.
But, I’m in a season where I needed to step off the stage, to step out of the light, to worship alone and anonymously. Unlike my 4th grade self, I know that God is not going to take my gift away during this season while I’m not using it. I know that God understands, and encourages, my need to go to random churches, to sit among the masses, and to worship anonymously.
Listening to the Whisper
My grandma was one of the wisest women I have ever known. Even though I think she might have taken some liberties with scripture, I am thankful for that conversation that morning. Maybe I would have stayed silent. Maybe I would have squandered my gift. I don’t know. But, I am thankful (now) for that fear and those scars that actually allowed me to use my voice to serve. Even though, it is silent right now, I know I will use it again when this season has passed.
And while I am silent, I will continue to listen for the whisper, to listen for God in the stillness. And, when that whisper leads me to random churches where I can be truly free in my worship, I will go.
I Kings 19:12 gives the account of Elijah, and it says (emphasis mine):
Then the LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD. Behold, the LORD is about to pass by.” And a great and mighty wind tore into the mountains and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still, small voice.
God’s voice wasn’t in the wind. It wasn’t in the earthquake. It wasn’t in the fire.
His voice was in the stillness and the whisper.
I think, too often, we want God’s voice to be booming and overpowering. But, if that’s the way God speaks, we would never have to stop what we are doing, slow down, step off the stage, and actually listen. We would never have to seek him. We would never have to step out of ourselves. His voice would be impossible to miss, whether we were listening or not.
God wants us to stop and listen.
He wants us to be still.
Sometimes the whisper might come through the words of a slightly theologically skewed Grandma, and sometimes it might come through the stillness itself. I pray that you will hear what it is God is saying to you today whether he is speaking to you through an audible voice or through the stillness and the whisper.
I pray that if God is telling you to move, that you move.
I pray that if God is telling you to be still, that you be still.
I pray that you hear whatever God is telling you in this season.
Sometimes I go to random churches by myself to worship anonymously.
Hear me out here: I love my church (and, no, I don’t have that tshirt). My church is amazing. I’m not sure where else you could go and find such a grace-filled group of broken misfits who are allowing God to work through them in absolutely incredible ways.
But sometimes, sometimes I just need to be in a place where I can worship alone and anonymously, where no one knows me, where no one is looking at me, and where I can just blend in.
If you’ve ever worked or served front and center in a church, I think you know what I mean.
Grandma’s Wisdom:
I was fortunate enough to grow up right up the road from my grandparents. During the summer, my brother and I would ride our bikes down the road and sit on their porch with them, drinking coke out of glass bottles (no, I’m not throwing him under the bus today. You’re welcome, Jeremy). We spent our holidays there, mornings before school there, and sick days there. My grandparents’ home was like a second home for us.
I remember it well. It was a morning before school. I was sitting in their TV room bingeing on cartoons before Netflix was a thing, and my grandma walked in. She stood beside the giant brown humidifier that took up half the wall in the room and started to talk to me about how God gives each of us gifts. Now, I was in fourth grade. It was early in the morning, and I had no idea where this lecture was coming from. And, honestly, I still have no idea what the catalyst was for this conversation.
She looked at me and scared the crap out of me! She spent several minutes telling me that God has gifted me with the gift of music, and if I don’t use it, He’ll take it away. If you’ve been on this journey with me, then you know about my church background. So, you can imagine how well this sat with me as a poor little innocent 4th grader! Again, I was scarred! (Clearly 4th and 5th grade were rough times in my life!)
These were all of the questions I’m sure were flooding my mind in the midst of this conversation, questions I probably should have asked, but, instead, I just sat there, speechless.
What do you mean God will take my gift away if I don’t use it?
What kind of a God would do that?
Why would he do that?
How am I supposed to use my gift right now?
What is going on?
AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Just Say No
I’ve already explained that I spent 39 years lacking the ability to utter the word “no,” and, honestly, I think this might actually be part of the reason. I was so affected by these words of my grandma that I really did spend years fearing that if I didn’t use my gifts, God would take them away. Any time I was asked to do something, whether it was with music or some other strength, those words would come to mind.
Now, don’t get me wrong here, folks, I love to sing. I love to serve. I love to worship. I love to lead worship. And, that love doesn’t come from the fear that God will take my gift away if I don’t do it. It comes from a genuine place in my soul that whispers to me that music, in fact, is my gift from God and it is how He wants me to serve. I believe that wholeheartedly.
But, I’m in a season where I needed to step off the stage, to step out of the light, to worship alone and anonymously. Unlike my 4th grade self, I know that God is not going to take my gift away during this season while I’m not using it. I know that God understands, and encourages, my need to go to random churches, to sit among the masses, and to worship anonymously.
Listening to the Whisper
My grandma was one of the wisest women I have ever known. Even though I think she might have taken some liberties with scripture, I am thankful for that conversation that morning. Maybe I would have stayed silent. Maybe I would have squandered my gift. I don’t know. But, I am thankful (now) for that fear and those scars that actually allowed me to use my voice to serve. Even though, it is silent right now, I know I will use it again when this season has passed.
And while I am silent, I will continue to listen for the whisper, to listen for God in the stillness. And, when that whisper leads me to random churches where I can be truly free in my worship, I will go.
I Kings 19:12 gives the account of Elijah, and it says (emphasis mine):
Then the LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD. Behold, the LORD is about to pass by.” And a great and mighty wind tore into the mountains and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still, small voice.
God’s voice wasn’t in the wind. It wasn’t in the earthquake. It wasn’t in the fire.
His voice was in the stillness and the whisper.
I think, too often, we want God’s voice to be booming and overpowering. But, if that’s the way God speaks, we would never have to stop what we are doing, slow down, step off the stage, and actually listen. We would never have to seek him. We would never have to step out of ourselves. His voice would be impossible to miss, whether we were listening or not.
God wants us to stop and listen.
He wants us to be still.
Sometimes the whisper might come through the words of a slightly theologically skewed Grandma, and sometimes it might come through the stillness itself. I pray that you will hear what it is God is saying to you today whether he is speaking to you through an audible voice or through the stillness and the whisper.
I pray that if God is telling you to move, that you move.
I pray that if God is telling you to be still, that you be still.
I pray that you hear whatever God is telling you in this season.
I understand your desire to go to a different church and worship anonymously sometimes. It can be easier to connect with God and listen for that gentle whisper when we don't have lots of chat around us or the distraction of people's expectations. I'm glad you were able to get over the fear of God taking your gift away. Visiting from Purposeful Faith.
ReplyDeleteI just love how I can focus and worship without any worries or anyone knowing me but God! Thanks for visiting :)
DeleteThis is a wonderful testament to who God is. He allows us to be ourselves in any surrounding. He, himself, had to get away from the masses and where He was well known as well. As I am transitioning to a new church, where my talents are not used nearly as much, I thank you for this reminder that God does not remove the gift simply because He is not using it in this season.
ReplyDeleteBrittany, this is such a good reminder! I've thought about this often. I do think Jesus sets a pretty great example for us for the need to get away and be silent often. I hope you have found/find a church where you feel like you're home and can use your talents again soon :)
DeleteI actually pinned this the other day. I thought I commented too. I definitely know what it’s like to want to enjoy the luxury of a place where people do not know and have certain expectations of you. Glad you were able I get that fresh breath of air in a new surrounding.
ReplyDelete